The time had come had finally come, and I had prepared
myself as best I could for that day. Yet there I stood, with tears in my eyes, letting
go of Jackson’s hand as he walked into his Kindergarten room for the very first
time. To say that time had snuck up on
me would be an understatement. Yet there he was, beginning a new adventure in
his life. As I fought back the sadness,
I stood in the hallway, and just experienced the moment. Every good and bad emotion, I let myself
experience all of it. It was very
emotional for me, not only for the obvious reasons, but also because I was so
overwhelmingly happy to be standing there, healthy. A little over a year ago, I did not know if I
would be around to witness that moment in his life
After that day was over, I had to
force myself to think about something that I had been putting in the back of my
mind for quite some time. In less than two weeks, I would have to go in for my
one year follow up scan. I had not
prepared myself for the topic of cancer to re-enter my life. All summer, I had
enjoyed living in a state of sweet denial.
After all, I had much better things to do than deal with being a cancer
survivor. It seemed so much easier to
sweep the topic under the rug, than to dwell in the pain it had caused. However, like it or not, I had to face that
dreaded scan yet again. I would love to be able to say that it was as easy as
just leaving my worry up to God, and letting the rest take care of itself. Unfortunately,
that was not the case.
How had a year gone by so quickly? It seemed
like I had just been able to breathe a sigh of relief after my last scan. Nothing
could have prepared me for when I finally came to terms with having to deal
with the potential of my cancer returning.
The very thought of it took the wind out of me. I felt paralyzed, and
the fear began to set in yet again. My
mind kept wondering to the worst case scenario of the cancer not only
returning, but having spread. I had already been dealt the blow once, and I did
not think that I could handle it a second time.
Again, I will state the obvious, I Hate Cancer.
I honestly thought that I had made
it to the other side of my diagnosis. The
side where I no longer worry, am not fearful, and can enjoy just having
survived. I was so very wrong. After
realizing that I could no longer push this to the back of my mind, I was
left with a feeling of despair. Would I ever be free from this awful fear? As much as I wanted to hide from cancer, I
was beginning to realize that the scars it has left behind will always be a
part of my life. I will need scans yearly for at least the next four years, and
I don’t want to even count how many colonoscopies I have to look forward to.
And with each one, there will be fear. However,
it is through fear, that I have gained strength.
Many prayers were answered when I
was given a clean bill of health one year post treatment. I could feel the relief spread throughout my
entire body, and I could breathe once again.
I went home, looked around at all of my blessings, and felt at peace. I
had survived to see another year, and I was just so very thankful to have been alive
to experience every good and bad memory that was made along the way. It turns
out, my cancer diagnoses will always be a part of my life, and I can either run
from it, or embrace it. While I am not
glad to have been diagnosed with cancer, I am blessed by how it has changed my
life for the better in so many ways. God
is good, so is life… Here’s to another
year.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6
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