Five years seemed like an eternity in the beginning. I could barely get through each day, so the thought of enduring for five years seems impossible. Our lives were defined and planned by each doctor visit. At first it was every two weeks, then every three months, then every six months. For five long years, Phil and I could not plan our lives beyond six months at a time. Every clean scan and good check up from the doctor meant we got six more months of life, which we were truly grateful for. That being said- fear was always a struggle for me. No matter how hard I would try at times to remain strong and grateful, fear and worry would always creep back into my life. The “what-ifs” plagued my thoughts and the fear of hearing that my cancer had spread would, at times, be more than I could take. There were several times when I felt anything but strong or brave. Beneath all of the fear and worry, Faith would be all that remained, and it turns out that Faith is enough.
Although I could never completely get rid of my fear, I found peace in knowing that everything really would be alright… no matter what. Amongst all of the worry, I knew that even if we received the worst news, life would go on, and we would endure. There was a strong peace I found in giving my life over to God and letting the rest work itself out. I did not know what God’s plan for me entailed; I just prayed that I would continue have the strength and faith to needed for the journey. In between all of the stress and hurt, I have experienced such Joy in the journey. Even on the darkest of days, if I opened my eyes wide enough, I could see everything around me that I was so grateful for. God really is good, all of the time.
Five years later, I can now refer to myself as the “s” word I was always too scared to say…I am a Survivor. It has been a long road to get here and I will always be humbled everyone who has been there for us along the way (you all know who you are). I fully understand that when someone is diagnosed with cancer- their entire family and friends are "diagnosed" as well. I hate that this has caused my loved ones such stress and worry over the years. However, my strength has come not only from Faith, but from all of the wonderful people in my life who have supported me in ways I feel I can never repay. From the bottom of my heart, thank you to everyone for every prayer, thought, letter, and action that was given to our family along the way. I can never fully express how truly grateful I am. What I have found while navigating my way through the years is that life is beautiful, always… Phil and I are so incredibly blessed to have you all in our lives.
Phil, Jackson, and Lydia: Thank you for being my Three Little Birds every step of the way.
“Do not let your hearts be troubled, Trust in God.” John 14-1
