Finding Strength Through My Blessings…

“Our new home”... I was beginning to think that Phil and I would never be able to say that phrase.  Last March, we put our first home on the market and prayed that it would sell. After a very long summer of showings and keeping the house spotless, we finally got a buyer.  We were able to sell the house, and moved in with my mom in order to re-build our savings.  In late January, we finally felt ready to start looking at houses.  After looking at just three, we found “The One”. It was a beautiful two-story home with an upgraded kitchen, four bedrooms, deck, and three-car garage.  This house had so many upgrades; more than we could have ever afforded had we built our own house. We were able to negotiate a price and scheduled our inspection. The realtors went back and forth about what to fix, but I wanted to wait until after my colonoscopy to make any final decisions, just in case. However, the buyers wanted a response, so the night before the test we put in an offer we thought we ‘knew’ they would refuse.  Two hours later, we got confirmation that they signed the contract, and we had just bought a house.  The very next morning, I was told I had colon cancer.

                Just take it one day at a time.  I cannot count how many times I have uttered this phrase to my patients during their cancer treatments.  I quickly learned to follow my own advice after surgery. Everyday had its new challenges, and with each passing week, I would become stronger and stronger.  Nothing about recovery was easy for me.  There were so many things to do, and so many places I wanted to go, but all I could manage to do most days was get a shower and lay back on the couch. My energy was gone, and my incision was still new. I was tired all the time, but could not manage to sleep. I couldn’t even nap during the day. When I could sleep, I slept propped up on pillows because laying down caused pain. My mind would race about daily life and, of course, cancer.   Most days when I found myself alone on the couch, I would realize how overwhelmed I felt, and the tears flowed like crazy.  There were still so many unanswered questions, I could hardly eat anything, and my incision served as a constant reminder of the situation.

Two weeks after being home, I went in to see my oncologist, Dr. Sorscher.  After a very lengthy discussion about all of my options, I decided that I would undergo twelve treatments of chemotherapy. This would only increase my chance of disease-free survival by about 2%.  However, I wanted to do everything possible to increase my odds, especially since it was against odds that I had colon cancer in the first place.  So, not only did I have cancer, but now I had to have a port placed and receive chemotherapy…unreal.  I still managed to see the blessings of my situation because the chemotherapy I was to receive would be less toxic than I had originally thought. I would start my treatment in one week, the same week we would close on our house.  That weekend we went to church. I was only able to stand for part of the music, it was a humbling experience.  A new house to pack for, and a family to care for…I felt worthless. Everyone told me this was not true, but the feeling became overwhelming when I could not pick up my own children if they were crying, and when packing just two boxes caused exhaustion.  As a nurse, I am used to being the one caring for other people, and I have never done well letting others do the same for me.  I like to appear strong and able to handle whatever comes my way, and I feel guilty when people do things for me.  Phil helped me to get over these feelings by constantly reminding me that if someone I loved needed help, I would do the same. 

I did not really know how much help we would need until I started chemotherapy.  We closed on the house the day my first treatment ended.  I barely had enough energy to go to the closing, and that Sunday I could manage to pull myself out of bed only for a few hours.  I honestly had no idea how we were going to pack and move in seven days. I was beginning to wonder if we had made a mistake by buying the house… then I turned to prayer and remembered to have Faith.  So many people offered to help in any way they could, so Phil began to kindly ask if they could help on moving day. Much to our surprise, over 20 people showed up, on their day off, just to help us move.  It was amazing. I know we could not have done it without our family and friends.

I will always remember Moving Day.  Not only because of everyone who showed up to help us move, but also because it was the first day I uttered the phrase “Why me?”  I knew I would over-do it that day, I just did not know how much it would affect me.  I managed to make it through the first truck load, and then I hit a wall.  I felt out of breath and tired, so I decided to go lay down in our closet. (Yes, I could actually LAY in our closet, which had just been wonderfully organized by THE Melissa Blake).  I thought I would be able to sleep, but the thoughts of everyone unpacking and working downstairs gave me anxiety.  I felt miserable.  Then, with teary eyes, I walked downstairs just as the second truck load arrived and told Phil I needed to leave.  I NEVER cry in front of people, unless it is a happy occasion, but I just could not hold back the tears.  This was not fair.  It was the day we were moving into our new home, and I had to leave because I was too weak. Melissa came to my rescue, as always, and drove me back to my mom’s house where we watched Friends and forgot about the world for a while.  Once I pulled myself together, we went back to the house.  I was shocked by how much everyone had done…what a blessing.  If I have to face cancer, I could not have asked for a better support system.

One big lesson I have learned through all of this is humility.  It turns out that I cannot do it all, but that is okay.  Phil and I have been so blessed and humbled by the help we have received through all of this, some of which has been from complete strangers.   A card, a meal, a gift, words of encouragement, offering to help with the kids, help us move, thoughts, flowers, prayers…it brings me to tears just thinking of all those who have taken time out of their lives just to help us through all of this.  I have learned first-hand that they do not call it the ‘fight’ against cancer for nothing. While I know this physical and emotional battle will not be over for some time for me, I know that I have become so much stronger through the support that has been given.  I still struggle almost every day with fear, but God has blessed me with such wonderful people to give me the courage to face it.  To everyone who has helped us in ANY way so far…Thank you…so very much. 

 
“Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.” Colossians 3:15