Carrying On….

Every day that I work I see several people facing death.  I then go home and expect people to understand that death can come at any moment, and that we should never take people we love for granted.  I have since learned that to always be aware that you and everyone you love will die is a terrible way to live to. It is impossible to ask someone to live everyday like they were going to die tomorrow.  I don’t want to live like I am dying; I want to live like I am living. And just like I don’t want to live like I am dying, I don’t want to know I am loved because I may die. I want to know I am loved simply because I am loved.  Everyone is going to die, I understand this.  Today, tomorrow, five, ten, forty, eighty years from now, nobody knows when. Therefore, why spend the time you have worrying about it?  Instead, the best advice I can give, is that no matter what you are going through…carry on, because you just don’t know what is waiting for you, and that’s okay, because at the moment you are alive.

There are two major people in my life that have helped me to carry on.  They are my crutches, I can limp along without them, but with them I stand tall.  Before I begin to explain these two wonderful people, I just want to say that I have MANY people who have helped me through this journey and big thank you to every single person.  Support is something I feel I took for granted before, and I have since discovered how grateful I am for everyone in my life who I love so very much. However, there are two people who have been there through thick and thin, and who have seen my good, bad, and ugly days…and they still love me the same. The two wonderful people of whom I speak of are, my husband, Phil, and my very best friend, Melissa.  They each help me, in very different ways, to face whatever may come my way.

Most of you know the story of “Phil and Lauren”, but for those who do not; I will try to create a brief summary. We met our freshman year in high school French class.  We sat right next to each other, and enjoyed ‘flirting’ during class.  One day I cleverly wrote “Lauren was here” on his arm, and at the time, I had no idea the significance that would have in the coming years.  We began dating when we were only fifteen. It appeared to be a short-lived romance when Phil broke up with me a few months late.  I was devastated as he was my first heart break. He finally came to his senses on March 18^th 2000, when he asked me out again, and the rest is history.  We would become St. Dominic’s “cutest couple” (insert “awww!” here).  We both went to Mizzou, and were married July 8, 2006.  Two houses, several jobs, and two kids later we were hit with my cancer diagnosis.  We both thought we loved each other very much before all of this, but our love has been strengthened immensely by something so devastating.  I know this has been so incredibly hard for Phil, but he has remained strong in order to help me when I am weak. He never complains, but instead listens to me when I need him.  He literally can pick me up when I am down.  Also, he makes sure I take care of myself, even when I want to be doing other things. I honestly do not know where I would be without him.  Thank you dear for being so incredibly kind and understanding, and for loving me…I love you so.

The story of “Melissa and Lauren” takes a very different course…obviously.  We have been friends since the summer prior to sixth grade.  We did not start as friends, in fact I refused to wear my new addidas coat to school because Melissa had the same one, you know because I was too cool and all.  Once I came to my senses and realized being ‘cool’ was over-rated, I accepted my inner ‘nerd’, and we joined forces.  After several grade school years of poop jokes, wearing matching shirts, listening to Backstreet Boys, staying up late eating candy and watching scary movies, we went on to high school. We then chased boys, met our future husbands, and had a blast in the mean-time.  It wasn’t until college, after a huge fight, that I think we really realized how much we needed each other.  As cheesy as it sounds she is my yin and I am her yang…we just “get” each other.  There is no one on this earth I can laugh as deeply with than Melissa… because we are hysterical (or at least we think so). There is also no one else I can tell exactly what I am thinking, whether right or wrong, and not be judged for it.  I will never forget the day I had to tell Melissa. Instead of breaking down right then and there, her exact words were “Okay, we got this.” She didn’t say how sad she was, or even cry.  She stayed strong for me…she could see I was getting ready to break down, and she stayed strong, like any great friend would do.  Again, for very different reasons, I do not know where I would be without her. Thank you sweetie for always being there no matter what, for being the greatest friend a girl could as for, and for loving me for who I am…I love you so. 

I have been so incredibly blessed to have these two people in my life, and the reason for sharing these stories is simply to tell of how wonderful they have been.  Taking people for granted is not something I take lightly because, unfortunately I know how fragile life can be. However, I am learning that it is so important to love someone because they are alive, not because they may die.  Phil and Melissa have helped to teach me this valuable lesson.  God only knows how much time we have.  I have learned to lift my worries up to God, and in the meantime to be thankful for each and every day, and all of the blessings that come along with them.  And most importantly, in the most difficult times (with a little from God and my friends) to… Carry On.

“Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.” Isaiah 46:4

“If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground” Fun-Carry On

Dinner with The Ryan's

One thing you will not see at our house is a quiet family dinner.  I am a big fan of having dinner at the table almost every night.  How often do you really get to spend about an hour with your family, and their undivided attention.  While we do not have deep meaningful conversations at our house just yet, the kids thoroughly enjoy talking to their Mommy and Daddy about whatever comes to mind...such as baseball, farting, Dora, Mickey Mouse, and of course what we will be having for dessert.  Also, in between asking each child to take "just one more bite", Phil and I have a small chance to talk about our day.  Laughter is key, because after a long day, some of the funniest material can come out during our family dinners.  Last night it was spaghetti and meatball night, Jackson's favorite.  At the end of the meal, all chaos ensued. Phil scared the kids by yelling at them when they weren't looking, which led to the kids yelling to try and scare him...then meatballs literally started flying.  It was a great time for all, and there is no better sound than the kids laughing (in my opinion) to forget the worries of the day. (Please excuse the horrible sound in the video, apparently my finger was covering the microphone) :)

Lydia vs. Cookie Monster

"Miracle"- Foo Fighters

Another Beautiful Song...

“Everything that we survived
It's gonna be alright
Just lucky we're alive
Got no vision I've been blind
Searching every way you're right here in my sights”

 

 Wyds

 Jack-Jack

Finding Strength Through My Blessings…

“Our new home”... I was beginning to think that Phil and I would never be able to say that phrase.  Last March, we put our first home on the market and prayed that it would sell. After a very long summer of showings and keeping the house spotless, we finally got a buyer.  We were able to sell the house, and moved in with my mom in order to re-build our savings.  In late January, we finally felt ready to start looking at houses.  After looking at just three, we found “The One”. It was a beautiful two-story home with an upgraded kitchen, four bedrooms, deck, and three-car garage.  This house had so many upgrades; more than we could have ever afforded had we built our own house. We were able to negotiate a price and scheduled our inspection. The realtors went back and forth about what to fix, but I wanted to wait until after my colonoscopy to make any final decisions, just in case. However, the buyers wanted a response, so the night before the test we put in an offer we thought we ‘knew’ they would refuse.  Two hours later, we got confirmation that they signed the contract, and we had just bought a house.  The very next morning, I was told I had colon cancer.

                Just take it one day at a time.  I cannot count how many times I have uttered this phrase to my patients during their cancer treatments.  I quickly learned to follow my own advice after surgery. Everyday had its new challenges, and with each passing week, I would become stronger and stronger.  Nothing about recovery was easy for me.  There were so many things to do, and so many places I wanted to go, but all I could manage to do most days was get a shower and lay back on the couch. My energy was gone, and my incision was still new. I was tired all the time, but could not manage to sleep. I couldn’t even nap during the day. When I could sleep, I slept propped up on pillows because laying down caused pain. My mind would race about daily life and, of course, cancer.   Most days when I found myself alone on the couch, I would realize how overwhelmed I felt, and the tears flowed like crazy.  There were still so many unanswered questions, I could hardly eat anything, and my incision served as a constant reminder of the situation.

Two weeks after being home, I went in to see my oncologist, Dr. Sorscher.  After a very lengthy discussion about all of my options, I decided that I would undergo twelve treatments of chemotherapy. This would only increase my chance of disease-free survival by about 2%.  However, I wanted to do everything possible to increase my odds, especially since it was against odds that I had colon cancer in the first place.  So, not only did I have cancer, but now I had to have a port placed and receive chemotherapy…unreal.  I still managed to see the blessings of my situation because the chemotherapy I was to receive would be less toxic than I had originally thought. I would start my treatment in one week, the same week we would close on our house.  That weekend we went to church. I was only able to stand for part of the music, it was a humbling experience.  A new house to pack for, and a family to care for…I felt worthless. Everyone told me this was not true, but the feeling became overwhelming when I could not pick up my own children if they were crying, and when packing just two boxes caused exhaustion.  As a nurse, I am used to being the one caring for other people, and I have never done well letting others do the same for me.  I like to appear strong and able to handle whatever comes my way, and I feel guilty when people do things for me.  Phil helped me to get over these feelings by constantly reminding me that if someone I loved needed help, I would do the same. 

I did not really know how much help we would need until I started chemotherapy.  We closed on the house the day my first treatment ended.  I barely had enough energy to go to the closing, and that Sunday I could manage to pull myself out of bed only for a few hours.  I honestly had no idea how we were going to pack and move in seven days. I was beginning to wonder if we had made a mistake by buying the house… then I turned to prayer and remembered to have Faith.  So many people offered to help in any way they could, so Phil began to kindly ask if they could help on moving day. Much to our surprise, over 20 people showed up, on their day off, just to help us move.  It was amazing. I know we could not have done it without our family and friends.

I will always remember Moving Day.  Not only because of everyone who showed up to help us move, but also because it was the first day I uttered the phrase “Why me?”  I knew I would over-do it that day, I just did not know how much it would affect me.  I managed to make it through the first truck load, and then I hit a wall.  I felt out of breath and tired, so I decided to go lay down in our closet. (Yes, I could actually LAY in our closet, which had just been wonderfully organized by THE Melissa Blake).  I thought I would be able to sleep, but the thoughts of everyone unpacking and working downstairs gave me anxiety.  I felt miserable.  Then, with teary eyes, I walked downstairs just as the second truck load arrived and told Phil I needed to leave.  I NEVER cry in front of people, unless it is a happy occasion, but I just could not hold back the tears.  This was not fair.  It was the day we were moving into our new home, and I had to leave because I was too weak. Melissa came to my rescue, as always, and drove me back to my mom’s house where we watched Friends and forgot about the world for a while.  Once I pulled myself together, we went back to the house.  I was shocked by how much everyone had done…what a blessing.  If I have to face cancer, I could not have asked for a better support system.

One big lesson I have learned through all of this is humility.  It turns out that I cannot do it all, but that is okay.  Phil and I have been so blessed and humbled by the help we have received through all of this, some of which has been from complete strangers.   A card, a meal, a gift, words of encouragement, offering to help with the kids, help us move, thoughts, flowers, prayers…it brings me to tears just thinking of all those who have taken time out of their lives just to help us through all of this.  I have learned first-hand that they do not call it the ‘fight’ against cancer for nothing. While I know this physical and emotional battle will not be over for some time for me, I know that I have become so much stronger through the support that has been given.  I still struggle almost every day with fear, but God has blessed me with such wonderful people to give me the courage to face it.  To everyone who has helped us in ANY way so far…Thank you…so very much. 

 
“Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.” Colossians 3:15

"Chemo Brain" is real I swear!

This is how I feel on a daily basis...

Apologies for my lack of memory and concentration. Although it was bad before, at least now I have an excuse... :)

Our First Child...

Found these awesome pictures of our Basset Hound, Charlie. He was our first "child", and we spoiled him rotten. Do not let his cuteness fool you!

Yes he is wearing a rain coat :)

I believe he slept in this bed maybe twice?

His first love...I named that dog Hoard, but after this we called her howina <3

PS: We weren't really sleeping here

We had lots of time on our hands in college

<3 Him (most of the time)



Easter Slideshow

Hope everyone had a wonderful Easter!

Easter 'Thanksgivings'

               With Easter this coming Sunday, I have been busy preparing Easter baskets and filling eggs with candy from the 'Easter Bunny'.  Yesterday, in the midst of planning our festivity-filled weekend, I was again reminded of our blessings.  I witnessed a young family going through the pain of a cancer diagnosis with a poor prognosis.  Their Easter will probably not be filled with eggs, bunnies, and candy.   I hope everyone who celebrates Easter takes the time to remember what it is all about. Instead of dwelling on all of the activities, family gatherings, filling Easter baskets with toys, maybe take some time to remember to be thankful for all you have in your life, because so many of us have more to be thankful for than we realize. 

*Many Blessings

Everyday life with the Ryan's

Some random memories made:

• Had to put Lydia in time-out today because she cried so much over wanting cheese; which she could not have till she ate her fruit. She literally would not give up on the cheese. Ashamed to admit it, but we caved. When it comes to cheese, she takes after her Daddy!

• Played catch with Jackson on the back porch this evening... it was enjoyable because he would run to get every ball I did not catch (which was just about all of them) :)
 

To end the day Phil and Jackson were in the garage, and Jackson stumbled upon some of the Christmas presents I bought early on sale (which Phil conveniently forgot to put away).  After much inquiry, we were finally able to explain to Jackson that they were just boxes from old toys. Then, we offered him cookies...all was forgotten!

***We in no way claim to be the parents of the year...just sharing :)

 

Undy 5000 - 2012

What a great event! So thankful to my wonderful family and friends who came to the race, and donated to such a wonderful cause. My emotions were high this day as I was able to witness so many blessings first-hand.  Much love to everyone, words cannot express my gratitude for your continued support during this difficult time.

"All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us"

Gungor- Beautiful Things