Dear Cancer...

Only one person in ten will be less than 50-years-old when they are diagnosed with colon cancer, and a very small percentage will be less than 30-years-old.  Yet, here I am in my twenties, battling a cancer that usually occurs later in life.  So, Cancer, I have just a few words for you.

Dear Cancer,

                I, to some extent, have known you just about my whole life. In the last seven years, I have cared for hundreds of people affected by you.  I have seen the pain, hurt, fear, guilt, and loss that you have inflicted upon so many. I have seen you transform beautiful people, of all ages, over the course of weeks to years into barely recognizable reflections of what they once were.  You are never welcome, and always painful. The general public uses your name to describe something negative, unwanted, or disliked. For whatever reason, you decided to take up residence in my colon, and I now know you intimately.  Excuse my wording, but F-you cancer.  By definition you are just the result of uncontrolled division of abnormal cells, but you are so much more. You are a curse, a disease, and a killer.

                Before we met, I was a happily married, mother of two, getting ready to begin my life in a new home. You abruptly entered my life, unwanted, and have now changed the course of my life forever. My children will now have to deal with you… I hate you for that.  You, cancer, are unfair.  You take the innocent lives of children, mothers, fathers, grandmothers, grandfathers, wives, husbands, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles…I could go on and on.  I have known so many wonderful people who were taken from this earth because of you. Why? What for? There seems to be no reason to your madness.  Some people fight you and “win”, and others fight you and “loose”.  I am finding out that there is no real choice in the matter. Everyone fights the same fight, and you determine the winners and the losers.  You are not wanted. Ever.

                However, you do not care that you are not welcome, you invite yourself in anyway.  So there is nothing anyone can do, but accept you. I am learning to do just that.  You see, you have not just been a curse, but a blessing. Since we have become acquaintances, I see everything through a new set of eyes.  I have learned not only to believe, but to have faith.  I do not worry about life the way I used to, instead I just pray and hold on for the ride. Also, I have learned to count my blessings in each and every day, and to just be thankful for what I have been given. Not to say that I have become this perfect person since we have met, because there are definitely times when you get the best of me.  You have caused me many breakdowns, tears, pain, and stress.  But, at the end of the day, all of the trials you cause just end up making me a stronger person.

               You see, cancer, you can also be a blessing, a giver of hope and courage, and a sign of strength.  Not only have I seen the hurt you cause, but I have also seen the strength of those who survive.  I have seen the thousands of people coming together with hope and optimism of finding a cure. I have seen miracles happen, and courage and strength formed in the meekest of situations. So while I do hate you, I am going to embrace you. I am going to take the good with the bad, and just keep pressing forward by thanking God for every day I get on this earth.

Sincerely-Lauren

“Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong.” 1 Corinthians 16:

Reflections of Phil's Part-ay



On Saturday we hosted a BBQ to celebrate Phil graduating with his MBA.  For those of you who do not know, this process started months after Jackson was born, and lasted until December of 2011. Phil worked his behind off to achieve this degree, and I was a first-hand witness to the exhaustion he underwent to reach his goal. Many nights he would not only travel to various places for his job, but then would return home and work on homework. He would often do homework until one o'clock in the morning, just to turn around and do the same thing the very next day.  He worked full time, had two babies, and managed to get his MBA. The least we could do was throw him a BBQ.

At first I was stressed about throwing a BBQ at our new house, I wanted everything to be perfect.  Then I came to my senses and realized that as long as our friends and family showed up, we would have a good time. Why should I worry about furniture arrangements, decorations, and fancy food, when the real purpose was to celebrate Phil's achievement?  So instead I focused on fun.  Easy food, easy decor, and easy-going.  Friends and family gathered, the kiddos played outside in the sprinkler, and we felt truly blessed to have so many come and celebrate with us.  We really do have the best people in our lives, and I want to extend a big thank you for all of the support. I can definitely say Phil had a good time :) and I hope everyone else did as well!



Happy Nurses Week!

Smarty Pants Wyds!

"Learning to be the Light"-Newworldson

I can fully relate to this song...it has such a wonderful message

Carrying On….

Every day that I work I see several people facing death.  I then go home and expect people to understand that death can come at any moment, and that we should never take people we love for granted.  I have since learned that to always be aware that you and everyone you love will die is a terrible way to live to. It is impossible to ask someone to live everyday like they were going to die tomorrow.  I don’t want to live like I am dying; I want to live like I am living. And just like I don’t want to live like I am dying, I don’t want to know I am loved because I may die. I want to know I am loved simply because I am loved.  Everyone is going to die, I understand this.  Today, tomorrow, five, ten, forty, eighty years from now, nobody knows when. Therefore, why spend the time you have worrying about it?  Instead, the best advice I can give, is that no matter what you are going through…carry on, because you just don’t know what is waiting for you, and that’s okay, because at the moment you are alive.

There are two major people in my life that have helped me to carry on.  They are my crutches, I can limp along without them, but with them I stand tall.  Before I begin to explain these two wonderful people, I just want to say that I have MANY people who have helped me through this journey and big thank you to every single person.  Support is something I feel I took for granted before, and I have since discovered how grateful I am for everyone in my life who I love so very much. However, there are two people who have been there through thick and thin, and who have seen my good, bad, and ugly days…and they still love me the same. The two wonderful people of whom I speak of are, my husband, Phil, and my very best friend, Melissa.  They each help me, in very different ways, to face whatever may come my way.

Most of you know the story of “Phil and Lauren”, but for those who do not; I will try to create a brief summary. We met our freshman year in high school French class.  We sat right next to each other, and enjoyed ‘flirting’ during class.  One day I cleverly wrote “Lauren was here” on his arm, and at the time, I had no idea the significance that would have in the coming years.  We began dating when we were only fifteen. It appeared to be a short-lived romance when Phil broke up with me a few months late.  I was devastated as he was my first heart break. He finally came to his senses on March 18^th 2000, when he asked me out again, and the rest is history.  We would become St. Dominic’s “cutest couple” (insert “awww!” here).  We both went to Mizzou, and were married July 8, 2006.  Two houses, several jobs, and two kids later we were hit with my cancer diagnosis.  We both thought we loved each other very much before all of this, but our love has been strengthened immensely by something so devastating.  I know this has been so incredibly hard for Phil, but he has remained strong in order to help me when I am weak. He never complains, but instead listens to me when I need him.  He literally can pick me up when I am down.  Also, he makes sure I take care of myself, even when I want to be doing other things. I honestly do not know where I would be without him.  Thank you dear for being so incredibly kind and understanding, and for loving me…I love you so.

The story of “Melissa and Lauren” takes a very different course…obviously.  We have been friends since the summer prior to sixth grade.  We did not start as friends, in fact I refused to wear my new addidas coat to school because Melissa had the same one, you know because I was too cool and all.  Once I came to my senses and realized being ‘cool’ was over-rated, I accepted my inner ‘nerd’, and we joined forces.  After several grade school years of poop jokes, wearing matching shirts, listening to Backstreet Boys, staying up late eating candy and watching scary movies, we went on to high school. We then chased boys, met our future husbands, and had a blast in the mean-time.  It wasn’t until college, after a huge fight, that I think we really realized how much we needed each other.  As cheesy as it sounds she is my yin and I am her yang…we just “get” each other.  There is no one on this earth I can laugh as deeply with than Melissa… because we are hysterical (or at least we think so). There is also no one else I can tell exactly what I am thinking, whether right or wrong, and not be judged for it.  I will never forget the day I had to tell Melissa. Instead of breaking down right then and there, her exact words were “Okay, we got this.” She didn’t say how sad she was, or even cry.  She stayed strong for me…she could see I was getting ready to break down, and she stayed strong, like any great friend would do.  Again, for very different reasons, I do not know where I would be without her. Thank you sweetie for always being there no matter what, for being the greatest friend a girl could as for, and for loving me for who I am…I love you so. 

I have been so incredibly blessed to have these two people in my life, and the reason for sharing these stories is simply to tell of how wonderful they have been.  Taking people for granted is not something I take lightly because, unfortunately I know how fragile life can be. However, I am learning that it is so important to love someone because they are alive, not because they may die.  Phil and Melissa have helped to teach me this valuable lesson.  God only knows how much time we have.  I have learned to lift my worries up to God, and in the meantime to be thankful for each and every day, and all of the blessings that come along with them.  And most importantly, in the most difficult times (with a little from God and my friends) to… Carry On.

“Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.” Isaiah 46:4

“If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground” Fun-Carry On

Dinner with The Ryan's

One thing you will not see at our house is a quiet family dinner.  I am a big fan of having dinner at the table almost every night.  How often do you really get to spend about an hour with your family, and their undivided attention.  While we do not have deep meaningful conversations at our house just yet, the kids thoroughly enjoy talking to their Mommy and Daddy about whatever comes to mind...such as baseball, farting, Dora, Mickey Mouse, and of course what we will be having for dessert.  Also, in between asking each child to take "just one more bite", Phil and I have a small chance to talk about our day.  Laughter is key, because after a long day, some of the funniest material can come out during our family dinners.  Last night it was spaghetti and meatball night, Jackson's favorite.  At the end of the meal, all chaos ensued. Phil scared the kids by yelling at them when they weren't looking, which led to the kids yelling to try and scare him...then meatballs literally started flying.  It was a great time for all, and there is no better sound than the kids laughing (in my opinion) to forget the worries of the day. (Please excuse the horrible sound in the video, apparently my finger was covering the microphone) :)