The night of my “No Mo Chemo” party was a night of many wonderful memories. By far the best moment of the night was when I pulled up to the house. The scene of so many of my friends/family standing on the lawn for my support was completely overwhelming. After how horrendous the previous months had been, I was ready to celebrate, and I could not have hand-picked better people to celebrate with. The party was wonderful, and I had an amazing time. It felt so good to feel well again, and it finally seemed like the worst of the darkness had lifted. Since February I have been consumed with surviving this awful cancer, and I did not think about what survival would entail. I have since discovered that it is much more difficult than I could have ever imagined.
Life
keeps moving forward, and things have returned to normal. There seems to be just one small issue, I am
not the same person. This is true for
many reasons. One major adjustment is that my life will now consist of labs, CT
scans, and colonoscopies…each served with a side of stress and worry that my
cancer will make a grand reappearance. I have several scars on my abdomen, and
one on my chest, that serve as a constant reminder of the pain I have been
through. My future plans have been
erased, and our plans for our family have to be redrawn. My dreams of having at
least one more child may not come true, as we will have to wait at least three
years before even thinking of having more children. Even then, it may no longer be an option. My children and grandchildren will have to
undergo colonoscopies at a very young age, because of me. I will now always be that girl who got colon
cancer. This is my new reality.
I was
diagnosed with cancer. Sometimes Phil and I still sit in shock that this has
happened to us, and for small moments, we feel sorry for ourselves. While these
feelings may be inevitable, we do not dwell on them. As hard as you may try, you cannot hide from pain or hurt, it will
always find you in some way or another. Eventually you just have to understand
that it is what it is, or as we tell Jackson “You get what you get, and you
don’t throw a fit.” We each have to face our own battles in life, some much worse
than others. What I have learned is that
these battles strengthen and define us. While
my scars remind me of the pain I endured, they also are a sign strength and
endurance. I can now look at my life in
a new way, and be so thankful for each small moment and blessing. I now fully understand what means to not take
things for granted. I may not be the same person that I was before I got
cancer, but I like to think that I am a better person because of it.
Recently,
I went with my best friend Melissa to get my first tattoo. This was my ‘made it through chemotherapy’ gift
to myself. I had Psalm 119;105 inked onto
my right foot. Yes, I meant to put a semi colon between the verses. This was
Melissa’s idea to represent colon cancer, and the “semi-colon” that I have
left. This tattoo serves as a constant
reminder that while I have to navigate my path on my own, it is much easier if
it is lit by God. My faith has grown
stronger and my path has become much brighter over the past several months, but
the shadow of cancer will always remain.
As much as I want to pretend like none of this ever happened, I am
learning that I will carry this with me for the rest of my life in some way or
another. My life may never be the same,
but for now, I am so grateful to be around to see what life will be like on my
new path.
"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end." Ecclesiastes 3:11
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