Pick Your Poison

Chemotherapy = Poison.    It is just that simple.  Not only does it (hopefully) kill cancer cells, but it also attacks every dividing cell in your body.  When I first found out my diagnosis of Stage II colon cancer, it was really unclear if I would need chemotherapy.  I was hopeful that they could just take out the cancer, and that would be all there was to it.  Unfortunately, as a Stage II, I fall into a large grey area of what is the “best” thing to do.  All of the research to date is completely unclear if chemo would be beneficial to a Stage II Colon Cancer.  I was faced with the decision of going through six months of chemotherapy, and improving my chance of long-term survival by a measly 1-2%, or just having follow-up care.  Being 28, the decision was already made…I would do whatever it took to improve my chances any way I possibly could.  I would get chemotherapy…the Chemo Nurse would now become the Chemo patient. 

The day I got my port placed (the device in my chest through which the chemotherapy is instilled) was an incredibly long, surreal day.   I was like a deer in the headlights, and it all felt like a dream. Maybe not a dream, but more like a nightmare. The situation became overwhelmingly clear after the port was in my chest, and there was no going back.  I joked with the staff, and put on a “happy” front, but inside I was a bundle of raw emotion.  I have always said that a big part of the battle is attitude, but this day proved exceptionally difficult for me to maintain my composure. 

Nothing really exciting happened during my first day of chemo. I mostly slept through treatment, and then got hooked up to go home.  The main part of my treatment involves taking a chemo pump/ball home with me for 48 hours.  After the first treatment ended, I did not really feel that different, besides the aching port in my chest.  The day after my treatment ended was a different story.  I could barely get out of bed, and my whole body ached.  I would get stomach pains off and on, and only managed make an appearance out of bed one time.  All I could think was “What did I get myself into?”

The next six months involved receiving treatment every other week, which meant feeling awful half of the time. However, if I had to choose a chemotherapy drug, I would choose mine. I would not lose my hair, it was not too nauseating, and the other side effects were minimal. The biggest challenges I had were carrying that pump while having two little ones run around, and fatigue.  Some days it would be all I could do to just make it through the day, and stay awake while doing it.  If I was just receiving chemo, I think things would have been fairly stress free.  However, receiving chemo while working and raising two kids made things much more difficult at times.  On one particular night after working and then going out afterwards, I could barely even make it up the stairs. My legs would literally not work, and they felt like they weighed 100lbs. Phil had to practically carry me into bed; yet another humbling moment to say the least. I found it very difficult to “slow down” or “take it easy” because I didn’t want to miss out on moments of my life, but sometimes the fatigue was just overwhelming.  My other side effects would only include thinning hair, red/peeling palms, and a really awful taste in my mouth for several days.  Despite the side effects I could, thankfully, endure and carry out my daily activities without too much struggle.

Overall, I know that I cannot really complain too much because I see patients going through this every day for years.  They are a big part of my inspiration, and they have taught me so much through this journey. Another big part was God.  It would have been really easy for me to break down and stress out throughout this process, but at the end of the day I hand my worries over to God, and just count my blessings.  I know I am not done with this struggle, and in the next week I will find out if the struggle will continue, or if I will get a break from it.  Whatever happens, I will press on and continue to give thanks to God. My children, family, friends, and loved ones are my life, and that being said, my life is pretty darn good, cancer or not. 



“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life ? ..." Matthew 6:24-34