August
15th 2012 will now be another one of those days that I will never
forget. It was the day of my scan results.
About one week prior to my scan was when it all began to hit me. I was
done with chemotherapy, but I could not celebrate. I needed to see the scan
results first. Everything pointed to the
scan being okay, my labs were good, I finished all twelve rounds of chemo, and
my first scan was all clear. However, I
could not help my mind from going to that dark place again. What if everything
was not okay? I did not think I could bear being hit by that dang bus again. The
fear swelled in my stomach, and I tried as hard as I could to put my faith in
God and trust Him. This was not an easy task. Every day that went by I would
constantly think that I was coming closer to possibly having to re-live this
nightmare all over again. What if the news meant that I would not survive this
evil called Cancer?
The day
I got the scan was the worst. Time
seemed to stand still at work, and I was beginning to rethink my decision to
even get my CT. After all, I was the one who pushed my doctor to do the scan
now instead of next year. I tried to
reason with myself that if I waited, I would have that much more time without
worry. Deep down I knew I had to go
through with it. I had to make sure everything would be okay, or if something
was wrong, it would be better to find out early. I dreaded the night before knowing the
results. I literally came home from work and just sat in bed. I could not
handle all of the emotions I was feeling, and the fear became almost
overwhelming. How was I going to get through
the night? Wine and friends was how. Our
dearest friends, Melissa and Steve, came over with wine in hand, and we
proceeded to eat and drink my worries away. After about three glasses of wine I
was feeling pretty good, and at one point forgot about the task at hand. This
did not last long, as when they left, all of my fears came rushing back
in. The tears came, and I succumbed to
my scattered emotions.
Before I
went to bed that night, Phil played the song “Rest Easy” by Andrew Peterson for
me. These lyrics brought such me such
peace and comfort…”You’re smiling like
you’re scared to death; you’re out of faith and all out of breath. You’re so
afraid you have nowhere left to go. Well, you are not alone; I will always be
with you.” These words reminded me
that this was out of my hands, and in God’s.
No matter what the results, we would press on and be thankful. I then took my beloved Ativan, and slept
through the entire night. The next
morning we arrived at the doctor’s office, and within seconds of the doctor
entering the room, he spoke the best words I could have asked to hear. “Well,
everything looks fine.” I do not really know what we talked about after that.
It felt like a bus had hit me again, but this time it was a good bus. You know,
the kind made of pillows and rainbows.
I
cannot really explain my emotions that day. I was happy, sad, afraid, angry,
and everything in between. When I should have been celebrating and smiling, I
was really taken aback and unsure. I
would keep apologizing to Phil about how I was acting, and then I finally just
broke down. I broke down, like I hadn’t
broken down in a long time. My feelings
were all over the place, and I could not let myself believe that I would at
least get a break from all of this for a while. I cried because of what I’d
been through, I wept for the time I had lost with my family and friends, and I
sobbed for those who do not get to receive the news I had gotten. I was scared that it wasn’t really over, and
still unsure about the idea of celebrating.
Then, I calmed down, prayed, and remembered that I cannot predict the
future. We were going to celebrate this
achievement, just be thankful for the time being, and let the rest work itself
out. I realized that I needed to learn how to “Walk Again” on my own, rid of
this terrible disease, at least for the time being.
"But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble" Psalm 59:16
